Finding Krista

Dear Distant Ships Group, There are not enough ways I can thank you for being my sanity on those days and nights when it gets to be too much. We are all so different from one another, yet we were brought together because we all fell in love with someone who loved far away.  And even when those circumstances changed, we stuck together.  Y'all are my girls! One of these days, we're going to plan something.  I've only met one of you in person and it was so awesome, I think we need to get it together and plan something for all of us!

How can I list just one person? I miss Geoff every day.  It's a constant ache that only ceases when we're in the same place. I miss my grandfather.  I miss his smiles and his wisdom.   I miss my grandmother and her kindness. I miss friends who left this life far too early. I miss the girl I was at 21.  Still unsure of what she wanted, but not afraid to enjoy the life she was living.

Ah, another difficult subject.   I'm in my mid-thirties now, so there are quite a few people from my childhood that have naturally drifted away simply due to the art of growing up.  Being on social media sites helps us stay somewhat connected, but it's the lazy way of doing it. I can remember sleepovers in Nicole's back yard in tents.  All night skate parties with my friends and the boys we thought were so cute.  (We really did have some handsome guys in our midst...we were a lucky group of girls).  I miss that core group of girls and our innocence.  Nicole, Nicky, Carey, Melena, Brandy, Marie, Debbie, Tara, Amy...I love how we were all friends.  Even though there were times that some were closer than others, and little rivalries that would break out, these girls always made it fun.   Junior high started the separation, then high school cemented it.  It's all inevitable, as more people were introduced and interests changed.  But th...

Wow, so it's been a bit since I've posted, yeah? I think it's time to get back in the habit. I've been reading a lot more and I tried to start a book club through Facebook but it didn't catch on like I'd hoped, so I might try to combine that over here.  In the meantime - let's finish out the challenge I started a year and a half ago, just so I can say I finished it...  Someone I wish could forgive me. Years ago, I would have said my childhood best friend for falling in love with her ex. I never meant to do that, but he and I were so right for each other. Now, I'm not sure if there is anyone left. I think I've made my peace with most everyone, and anyone who may still hold a grudge isn't a part of my life any longer.

I guess I knew one day I'd have to write about this. I still won't go into specifics so I can't be accused of anything. I don't hate you. Not anymore. But you have caused me more pain and heartache than I ever deserved. No matter how bad things were, I never deserved the way you treated me. I spent almost 8 years trying to make something that was broken from the beginning better. I didn't want to give up, and it nearly destroyed me in the process. You made me become some one I didn't like. I wasn't Krista any longer. I was bitter, mistrustful, paranoid, jealous, and an emotional mess. I cried every day. I couldn't talk to you. Every conversation would turn into a screaming match or inconsolable tears. And eventually, after enough turmoil, I realized I had enough and decided I would no longer let you control my emotions. I deserved better than what I got with you. I deserved a better ending to our relationship. I deserved a true partner i...

I can't pick just one. Papaw, I miss you so much. It's still so fresh and so painful. I realize they say "you're in a better place" but I'd give just about anything to have you around to have just one more meaningful conversation so you could tell me whether I was making the right decisions. You always gave it to me straight. Grammy, I can't tell the story again but I have to thank you for coming through and giving me what I needed. I hate the thought of Christmas this year because we can't call you on Christmas Eve and tell you Merry Christmas and then call you Christmas morning to say Happy Birthday. Marc, I still miss you every day. I wish you could see things now. I wish we could continue to celebrate our birthday. But I'll keep drinking one more for you on that day. And I still go on Facebook and read old messages and posts from you.

Dear siblings who have moved away, I miss you guys. I wish we kept in better touch, but I guess I should be grateful we all have Facebook accounts to keep in touch. I kind of said a lot of what I wanted to in an earlier posting, but I do wish we would talk more often.