So does this mean I'm a real gown up now?
I turn 40 years old tomorrow. I haven't been looking forward to this age, but it's here nonetheless.
I was talking with someone recently about this day coming up, and made the usual jokes about holding on to 39, but admitted that this year was coming a lot easier than when I turned 30. (Side note, if anyone asks me, I'm going to lie and still claim to be 29). I dreaded my 30th birthday. For two years leading up to it, I was freaking out over the day. While I don't love the idea that I will be 40, I have been nowhere near the level of panic I was ten years ago.
I can attribute a lot of those feelings to where I was in my life at the time. I had an almost 5 year old, my ex and I were together-ish, I was living with my grandparents and I was not happy. Strike that. I was more than just not happy, I was miserable. I was sure I was failing at life. I felt like every other person I knew was doing more, living better lives, with happy families and they weren't constantly stressed over their relationship, and coping with living with a grandfather who had Alzheimer's. Details don't matter here so much as the feeling that I would never do more, or be more than what I was at that time.
The day I turned 30 was awesome. I had a big party with friends, and I was ok once it was happening. And a year later, I was single, still living with my grandparents and trying to raise my son all alone again. 31 felt like a new low, but it really wasn't at all. It was the beginning of my real life.
So here it is, ten years later and I haven't settled. And I guess that means that I still feel unsettled. I thought I would feel more sure if where my life was, that I would feel more confident, more like the woman who can adult like nobody's business. I love the life I have created, but still want something a little more. I have literally the best son ever, Geoff and I are strong together (just not physically as together as we want to be), I have made some peace with my own past and appreciate that every bad thing has lead me here. I'm still a badass babe. I have a busy, amazing life and still so much to look forward to in my future. I guess I am still finding Krista, and always will be. And tomorrow doesn't change anything about me other than the box I have to check that pushes me into the 40's.
I was talking with someone recently about this day coming up, and made the usual jokes about holding on to 39, but admitted that this year was coming a lot easier than when I turned 30. (Side note, if anyone asks me, I'm going to lie and still claim to be 29). I dreaded my 30th birthday. For two years leading up to it, I was freaking out over the day. While I don't love the idea that I will be 40, I have been nowhere near the level of panic I was ten years ago.
I can attribute a lot of those feelings to where I was in my life at the time. I had an almost 5 year old, my ex and I were together-ish, I was living with my grandparents and I was not happy. Strike that. I was more than just not happy, I was miserable. I was sure I was failing at life. I felt like every other person I knew was doing more, living better lives, with happy families and they weren't constantly stressed over their relationship, and coping with living with a grandfather who had Alzheimer's. Details don't matter here so much as the feeling that I would never do more, or be more than what I was at that time.
The day I turned 30 was awesome. I had a big party with friends, and I was ok once it was happening. And a year later, I was single, still living with my grandparents and trying to raise my son all alone again. 31 felt like a new low, but it really wasn't at all. It was the beginning of my real life.
So here it is, ten years later and I haven't settled. And I guess that means that I still feel unsettled. I thought I would feel more sure if where my life was, that I would feel more confident, more like the woman who can adult like nobody's business. I love the life I have created, but still want something a little more. I have literally the best son ever, Geoff and I are strong together (just not physically as together as we want to be), I have made some peace with my own past and appreciate that every bad thing has lead me here. I'm still a badass babe. I have a busy, amazing life and still so much to look forward to in my future. I guess I am still finding Krista, and always will be. And tomorrow doesn't change anything about me other than the box I have to check that pushes me into the 40's.
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