Finding Krista

I guess I knew one day I'd have to write about this. I still won't go into specifics so I can't be accused of anything. I don't hate you. Not anymore. But you have caused me more pain and heartache than I ever deserved. No matter how bad things were, I never deserved the way you treated me. I spent almost 8 years trying to make something that was broken from the beginning better. I didn't want to give up, and it nearly destroyed me in the process. You made me become some one I didn't like. I wasn't Krista any longer. I was bitter, mistrustful, paranoid, jealous, and an emotional mess. I cried every day. I couldn't talk to you. Every conversation would turn into a screaming match or inconsolable tears. And eventually, after enough turmoil, I realized I had enough and decided I would no longer let you control my emotions. I deserved better than what I got with you. I deserved a better ending to our relationship. I deserved a true partner i...

I can't pick just one. Papaw, I miss you so much. It's still so fresh and so painful. I realize they say "you're in a better place" but I'd give just about anything to have you around to have just one more meaningful conversation so you could tell me whether I was making the right decisions. You always gave it to me straight. Grammy, I can't tell the story again but I have to thank you for coming through and giving me what I needed. I hate the thought of Christmas this year because we can't call you on Christmas Eve and tell you Merry Christmas and then call you Christmas morning to say Happy Birthday. Marc, I still miss you every day. I wish you could see things now. I wish we could continue to celebrate our birthday. But I'll keep drinking one more for you on that day. And I still go on Facebook and read old messages and posts from you.

Dear siblings who have moved away, I miss you guys. I wish we kept in better touch, but I guess I should be grateful we all have Facebook accounts to keep in touch. I kind of said a lot of what I wanted to in an earlier posting, but I do wish we would talk more often.

Sarah Michelle Gellar. I heart her. I am a huge Buffy fan (in case you've missed this about me). I first became aware of her when she played Kendall on All My Children. She held her own against the formidable Susan Lucci and I started following her career. I watch most of her movies solely for her. I sat through Simply Irresistible, which was a ridiculous movie. I watched Suburban Girl even though Alec Baldwin kind of creeped me out in that movie. I even watched The Grudge, and I can't stand horror movies. I would love, love, love to meet her.

I don't have one - I have a whole community of them! LFAD has been my sanity when I thought the distance between Geoff and I would be too much. I love all of you guys We joke about it on Facebook, but I really do wish there were a way for all of us to meet up in person and hang out. We are different but have one major thing in common - we don't let a little thing like location stop us from believing in love! Even those I've met who aren't a part of the forums on LFAD any longer are people I adore. They make me laugh and they just get it. If I post something about a feeling or a struggle, there's always someone who steps up and offers support to remind me I'm not alone. It can be difficult for people who've never been in a long distance relationship to understand some of the relationship issues we face that are more complicated than those in relationships with some one locally, so meeting these people and making these friendships has been invaluable to m...

(I'm not writing this to one particular person. I'll write a few things for a few major players in my romantic life and leave them general. Some things aren't worth the fight or energy. Maybe someday) I miss you. Not in the "I wish we could get back together" way, but you were so much fun, and despite our differences we always had good times. I loved you so much. I'm sorry we couldn't have a better sense of closure. I was wrong. Blame my youth and insecurities, but I made the wrong decision. You were a great guy and we maybe could have been friends if it weren't for my mistake. We always had an expiration date. I never knew when that date would come, but it was fun while it lasted. Thank you for showing me who you really were, so that I could learn to appreciate something good later on down the line. If it weren't for you, I'd never have come so far and made my life what is it today. Puppy love - that's what it was. But at the...

To the Sea World employee who helped my son and my niece look for me when we got separated at Shamu's Happy Harbor, thank you. I was in tears, in a panic trying to find those two and I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to find them in the huge group of people in the play area. I know they were scared out of their minds too, but you helped keep them calm while looking for me. I apologize because I was not nearly grateful enough when we finally found each other, but I will be eternally grateful for you helping us. The three of us huddled in a corner immediately afterwards and hugged and cried because we were so afraid of what could have happened. But you made sure nothing did. Thank you.

I haven't forgotten about some of you. I wish I had the means to make some of them come true. I made you happen - the dream of owning my own home. And I lucked into you - the dream of finding love. Dream of success and riches - we need to talk, you're still avoiding me! The dream of owning a cigar bar like the one I used to go to when I was younger still lingers. But I think I'm just trying to recapture a moment in time which won't ever be again. Still, I think about it. The dream of getting married and living happily ever after is getting there (hint, hint). I'm in love with the one who I want it to be with and he loves me too - he's just taking his time! Dream of being a famous singer, you are probably long gone now. But we used to spend a lot of time together. I think I had the talent, but not all the other things that would have made it happen. Dream of being a writer - I lost you for awhile. I get my kicks now by blogging but I probably won't...

I was debating doing this individually, but I think it would be too long, so I'm just going to talk as a whole. I love each and every one of you. As the oldest, I feel like it's sort of my duty to keep an eye out for you, and to dispense any words of wisdom so that you all might avoid some of the same errors in judgment. But at the same time, I know whatever I say will mean nothing because you all want to learn your own lessons. I still want to help teach you. We've never been a particularly close and cohesive unit. It would have been difficult, given the gaps in ages between all of us. I think we've had moments where we felt like a big happy family, but those are gone. I wish we could be one. I wish we could all get along and forgive the mistakes we've all made. One day, we will need each other. I think seeing our grandfather pass should have reminded us of this. When people ask me how may siblings I have, I always tell them I am the oldest of 6. I neve...

It's been almost a year since I started semi-regularly blogging and I did a letter to my parents at that time, however it's been a very long year and I feel I need to update just a few things. Mom, You are still the strongest woman I know. How you get through the hard times, I'll never understand. When things were happening with Grammy, I just wanted you back home because I wished I could do anything to make you feel better. And I knew there really wasn't anything I could say or do. So I wrote about her, hoping it would help. And I don't know if it did, but I tried. I know I'm not the best daughter in the world, but I love you. The things you taught me growing up that stick are how the holidays are a big deal. How even if you were falling apart, Jess and I would never know it. And so I do the same. You expected better of me because I was smart. And now I do the same with my boy. You fought for us and tried to do the right things for us, even if peop...

(I think I am too old to have a crush, so you know who I am writing to here!) Before June 26, 2010, we had a phone conversation where I talked about how funny life was - that it was 13 years later after I was supposed to hate you but how I couldn't imagine my life without you in it. But then you were here. And we were both so at ease with each other. It was almost as if the years apart were nothing. Despite all the things that had happened in between, I felt like I was where I belonged. And every time we are together, I feel it more and more. You were the big "what if" of my life, and I lucked out since I am finding the answer to that question. It's not easy, being 1,423 miles apart from you. I struggle daily when I want to come home and just lay in your arms and realize it's another 3 months before I will be able to do so. And we still don't have the final answer to our biggest question, but we will eventually. You're incredible. A hard worker, ...

You'd think this would be easy to write. Except it isn't. I miss you. We don't talk very much anymore. We both went down separate paths in life. You knew what you wanted, kept your eye on the goal and got the hell out of dodge. And I was scared. I thought I knew what I wanted, but in the end I floundered for awhile, making mistakes and wasting years I never should have. And there were times I was jealous as hell. I loved you, I was proud of you for getting out and doing your thing, but I wished I had the strength to do the same. We laughed and had such amazing times growing up. I still think of Friday nights as pizza nights. And when we get arroz con pollo at work from our process server in Miami, all I can do is wish it was your mom's. When I made pancakes for the first time earlier this year, I thought of you the entire time - laughing to myself about the "Bisquick-just add water" incident in your parents kitchen. When the holidays come around, ...

I've really slacked on this blog, and I'm guessing my group blog is done now too. I tried to keep it going but it's difficult when it doesn't seem like anyone else has the time to keep it up. However, I enjoy writing. It helps me let things out when I need to vent, or share, or just talk to anyone besides myself. This challenge is a 30 day challenge to write letters to people in your life. The list is as follows. Since it is such a long list, I'll begin it tomorrow. Here's what you have to look forward to from yours truly <3 Day 01 - Your best friend Day 02 - Your crush Day 03 - Your parents Day 04 - Your sibling Day 05 - Your dreams Day 06 - A stranger Day 07 - Your ex boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush Day 08 - Your favorite internet friend Day 09 - Someone you wish you could meet Day 10 - Someone you don’t talk to as often as you’d like Day 11 - A deceased person you wish you could talk to Day 12 - The person you hate the most/caused you a lot of pain ...